Rule #1: The Humans Lie

I've never really understood how I, who have four legs, cannot manage to move myself while those humans who only have TWO legs are able to jump and walk and run and dance. I hardly understand how that's fair. And yet it's still up to us put up with them, or in some cases put them up. Really, though; we don't even look like beds! Ugh, the thought is terrifying. That anyone would think that we could ever be so lazy! No, we would never stoop so low. No. Just no. I, for one, simply can NOT stand people using me as a pillow.I can handle being an elbow rest, sure. I understand the need for some support. But the minute I become a pillow, I know what's coming. And despite what the humans might say, both boys AND girls drool. And then they think that just using their sleeve will fix it and then it's everywhere. Everywhere. And the sneaky nasties! Their drool is invisible! So no one notices it and then it's just there. All day, everyday. Let me just tell you: not pleasant. At all. 

Fortunately ,as the day goes on, the humans seem to take in the sun and become easier to deal with.  Unfortunately the sun doesn't seem to make them any smarter but does seem to make them more cruel. Well maybe it's not the sun. I don't know. That's just a theory, I've yet to prove it. Whatever it is, something makes the darn humans far too jumpy. Whether it is with their dirty fingers or their pencils, or erasers they start tapping. Tap tap tap tap. Always tap tap tap tap. At first, the poke is startling then it tickles and then it hurts and then I start to wonder whether they EVER get tired of the tap tap tap tap tapping! It's ridiculous. Not only that, some of them even start to cut through my coat with the dark pointy tip of their pencil! Then they just leave. They just leave. Then the next herd of humans come around and they all point and laugh right where it hurts. But it's NOT funny. But there's nothing I can do to stop it. Can't say anything! Can't move away from them! Can't even move out from under them! 

So yeah, I don't understand at all how it is in any way fair that the ones who spit on us and laugh at our pain get to walk and we don't. Because it's not. 

But hey, since I can't say anything... and I can't move so that they don't use me... I really can't warn the humans when my screws are loose and I just might... fall.